As I have shared a few times, I was seriously injured in a workplace accident over two years ago. This past March, I was finally declared to have achieved maximum recovery. I have a measure of permanent disability, but I am able to live independently and do some of the same things I used to. I grieve for the abilities I lost as they were some of the things that gave my day to day its joy and sense of resilience. It could have been so much worse.

I have slowly become aware that I haven’t dealt with the deeper emotional issues that came from the accident and aftermath. I spent the energy just keeping my head above water, so to speak. In the midst of trying to recover, I was fully aware that the deeper, more long-lasting implications were being ignored. i just couldn’t seem to grasp them as I struggled physically.

Now that I am pretty comfortable within my body again, I have begun to examine those deeper feelings. A great sense of loss and oftentimes, an overwhelming sense of sadness. But it seems the more I dig, the more elusive the bottom becomes.

While I was at work last work last week, standing in the same spot where the accident occurred, I realized there are very meaningful gaps in my memory of the event as it played out that evening. I had known that my memories were jumbled, and fortunately some of that was sorted through with the information from others who were present at the time. But the actual incident itself is beyond me right now.

I believed I “checked out” once I realized that what was happening was in fact, inevitable. I was pushing a very large gate into the closed position when I felt it sway in an unnatural direction. I instantly knew it was going to fall and tried my best to make it fall away from me. I failed and the nearly 200 pound metal structure came down on me, knocking me to the ground. Fortunately, my boss was nearby and became instrumental in the direct aftermath.

I can remember feeling the swaying motion, but my next memory is me laying on the ground, trying to yell as loudly as I could for help. I had been winded and was probably in a state of shock so I’m sure my calls were as loud as they felt.

Its those 3-5 seconds that I think are vital in being able to fully understand, and come to terms with, the trauma. My “fight or flight” was triggered more intensely than it had ever been before because, while I have suffered traumas as a child, I had never been in such a precariously dangerous situation.

Trying to come to terms with the fact that I have now have measurable disabilities has been one of the hardest things I have done. For as long as I can remember, I have been active. I played softball every summer throughout my 20’s and into my 30’s. I found hiking brought out a different sense of connection to the world. I learned to swim in my 30’s so I could have more freedom in the water. I used to play football with my family and tried to help younger family members develop their physical skills. Being outside and active brought me a great sense of joy and connection to the outer world.

The accident and subsequently, my disabilities took all that from me except the hiking and even that has to be measured with a different standard. That is the core of the overwhelming sadness. Up until that day, I could still run. Not anywhere near as fast as in my youth, but my legs could still carry me with some strength and power.

I have worked very hard to recover physically and am still working on regaining strength. I have not given up on trying to do better, to be better, to reclaim some of the joy I lost. But I also know that I will never really come to terms with who I am now until I can remember, and relive, those 3-5 seconds. The loss of that memory has created a disconnect from the me I was before to who I am now.

The gate is gone, replaced with one that can never do the damage the old did. I have permission from HR to spend some time this weekend in that spot where my life changed in an instant and try to remember. Maybe I can get passed all of this once and for all and regain my composure for the moments of life that have yet to happen.