They are installing security cameras on site where I work. Interior and exterior. There will apparently be no blind spots. Every inch of the inside and immediate area outside will be in view of someone. My job is in an area surrounded by other similar businesses, so in the evenings and overnight its pretty deserted. The cameras are a good thing.

But watching them get installed and understanding just what view each and every camera will have has prompted me to reexamine my accident, trying to see it from a different perspective. The gate that fell on me will be in clear view of at least 3 of the cameras, and perhaps up to 5. I find myself wishing they were there that night.

I asked my supervisor if he could find out if the cameras in our sister building across the parking lot had picked up any of the accident. He did ask and someone did go back over the tapes, but their camera view does not extend that far afield. Only part of the tree that sits on our side of the lot is visible. No part of the gate.

In my mind, the memory of that event is out of time. I can clearly remember having a mental reaction to the unusual sway of the gate. “That’s weird.” and almost immediately after that, “Its gonna fall my way!” My hands automatically gripped the cyclone fence section of the gate as I tried to use my weight and strength to leverage it to go the other way. At the same time I took one step away in a effort to escape.

The top of the gate was about 10 feet high with gate sitting about a foot off of the ground. It was about 20 feet long. It was estimated to be about 200 pounds. I am 5 feet tall. I don’t have to understand physics to understand what happens when those two entries try to occupy the same space.

In my mind, it took about 15 seconds from when my hands feel the unusual movement of the gate to the point where I am on the ground underneath it. I took another 5-10 seconds seconds or so for me to process the situation the situation and begin yelling for help and for my supervisor to react.

Reality moves much faster. I set up a stop watch and let myself physically reenact the event. I stood in the safety of my room and mimicked my movements of that night. In reality, the gate fell in about 3-5 seconds from the time I felt it shift to being on the ground. Knowing the path that my supervisor was driving the forklift that night and when I heard him re-emerge far enough to see the gate was also closer to 3 seconds.

From the time the gate fell to the point where my boss lifted it off of me was probably closer to 10 seconds total. 12 on the outside. The next step is to fathom how such a small measure of time can have life long effects.

My mind wont let me step back into that moment just yet. But my personal experience has taught me that it is only a matter of time. That I have a lot of processing to do emotionally and mentally before I can get to place where I will feel safe enough to fully re-experience it. In real time.

And in the meantime, I am still fighting to regain what I have lost of myself.