The injuries from an accident over a year ago have persisted. On the few occasions where I have shared the physical damage, the information had been met with dismay that I have come this far. Since February 12 2024, I have been living in denial of what has happened to my core. I resumed as many activities as I could while telling myself that the rest will come in time.

I was determined to not let one freak moment in time define me or what my life is going to look like. I have always had agency over the things I do. Ever since I was a child, aware of a distance created between me and my single mother, I have been free to make my own decisions. I was very lucky to have older sisters who allowed me to follow their lead. Unfortunately, and subsequently fortunately, I became of the aware of the dangers that faced an unprotected child. My life path has been paved with a sense of physical self protection.

There was a parallel path for the energy I wanted to own and emit. Coming to terms with the life lessons learned in childhood, I didn’t want the lasting effects to weigh me down, to be the excess baggage that becomes the burden of those who care about me. I wasn’t exuberant as a child. The heaviness of my life experience was just too great to allow for that freedom and wild abandon.

It was important for me to work through the many layers of hurt and anger to find my authentic self. To actively be me. Not to be confused with the active me. Without resolving the myriad of issues of a traumatic childhood, I would have left myself to become reactive to life’s event, as opposed to be an active participant all that could happen. But to be controlling of every aspect is a trauma response. I had to find the balance between what life gave to me and what I could create on my own.

At some point, as I resolved the issues with my mom, who I didn’t always love as well as I do now, but have always had the utmost respect for, I was able to unearth my inner child. The little girl I tucked away deep into a dark corner of my heart. She sat there watching, waiting, healing. She never disappeared, but it was important for her to keep herself separate from all the other work I was doing. She was me before the trauma. She is my authentic self.

She was the holder of my youthful exuberance. She was the guide to the joy of life. The infectious laughter of lightness. She is the source of the energy with which I faced my future and the truth with how I navigate my past. Her continued existence is my touchstone for all that is yet to come. Or so I thought.

The injury has deprived me of agency. Of the choices I have been free to make my entire life. I can no longer look at situation with the wide lens of my abilities. There is now an arbitrary unit of measurement that is held to a standard I can’t conceive. My inner child must now pose a question to a void that has never before existed. She must now sit in the dark and wait for an answer that may never come.