Carmen sat on the edge of the bed, ponderously fingering her right earlobe, trying to adjust to the strangeness of her missing earring. Earlier in the day she had gotten into a playful wrestling match with her young nephew and the earring had been wretched from her ear. She and her nephew, who had been prompted by a reward which he honestly tried to earn, searched, but only found a marble and a dime. So somewhere in her front lawn lay the only earring she had worn in right ear for past 8 years.

The earring itself was valueless. It consisted of a simple gold hoop on which dangled a gold cross and a silver double women’s symbol. The cross had been a gift from her sister, while the women’s symbol was a gift to herself. The combined sentimental value was immeasurable.

Carmen had a made a conscious decision to never voluntarily discuss the meaning of her double women’s symbol with her mother, Elena. Elena’s background, upbringing, and general perspective would have made her daughter’s choice of lifestyle unacceptable and caused an unbridgeable gap between the two of them. So Carmen decided that as long as her mother asked, Carmen would never tell. Carmen had kept so many things from Elena that this just became another one of those things.

And then Elena died. It was two days after her passing that Carmen lost her earring. While Carmen didn’t feel regret for never sharing that fact of her life with her mom, she did realize that her death ended any possibility of that ever happening. She may have even felt a little relief that it wouldn’t be a spoken point between them.

Although she chose to never tell her mom, Carmen was still nonetheless very proud of who she was and wanted to share and wanted to show, at least in part, who that was. She just didn’t want to talk about it. Wearing her earring meant the same thing to her as wearing her Filipino flag pin. They both made statements about things that were very important to her.

She thought it odd, and more than coincidental, that after wearing it for so long that the earring would disappear two days after her mother’s death. It almost felt like some kind of spiritual punishment for her deception, or rather, her sin of omission. And somewhere in heart she felt it was justified.

Carmen had been taught to believe that death was little more than a change in existence. That didn’t mean she didn’t miss her mother, but she knew her mom would never fully leave her, that she would be within heartfelt reach. From this deep conviction sprang the conversation that couldn’t have happened in life.

Carmen began with an apology. She wanted her mother to understand that her secrecy wasn’t a sign of low estimation. It was more of an appreciation of the values that Elena held dear. And an acknowledgement that Carmen wasn’t sure which, if either of them, would have won had they fought this out. In fact, Carmen was sure they both would have both lost. Each other.

Carmen tried to explain the swell of emotion that led her to consider an alternate lifestyle. The undercurrents that ran through her as she struggled with who she was and who Elena wanted her to be. She shared, with the spirit of her mother, her very guarded memories of deep turmoil, as well as the tidal wave of strength that washed over her once she accepted her own feelings.

Carmen ended by speaking of the hope she felt that since her mother was beyond a world where shame dictates reaction, maybe now Elena could feel how real and right Carmen’s choice had been. She added a note of love and waited for her heart to hear her mother’s answer.

But something caught Carmen’s eye. She saw a shiny object sitting on the floor, about three feet from where she was sitting. She stared in disbelief at the small piece of metal that she recognized immediately. Reaching to pick up the gold cross, she silently hoped for more. Kneeling, her eyes searching further, she soon spotted the hoop, laying next her guitar case. Growing anxious, she ran her hands around on the floor, looking for that last piece. She touched the familiar joined circles and crossed lines.

Carmen understood. And smiled.