Abject fear is hard for a grown person to process and put into a life affirming perspective. Imagine a child trying to do it. A child without the mental facilities to understand that what made them afraid was not their fault. Children only know how to internalize. That’s why having them explain their emotions is so difficult. To them it’s not “I feel.” To them it’s “I am.”

What happens to children who know what it is to be broken by fear before they know what it is to be whole? Their fear can’t be processed into awareness. It becomes a part of who they are. Part of how they see the world. It is the foundation for the criteria they use to make future life decisions. Everything they do will be seen through the prism of terror.

What becomes of them? The festering fear of childhood terror becomes unresolved anger. Anger at a world that chose not to keep them safe. Anger at a world where even safe havens became battlegrounds. Their true potential is diverted into what can be achieved while keeping an eye over one shoulder. They self medicate, trying to erase the memories of misery. They fall prey to abusers, or become abusers themselves. Or worse. They become the shooter.

There is no sympathy for the survivors. The ones who will carry the pain of loss. They live tortured by survivor’s guilt. Their value is lost in the blurred background of not having died. Once the grief has passed, they are left feeling unsafe, unprotected, left to find their own way through the darkened tunnels of their devastated hearts.

Children used to go to school believing in the unspoken promise of being kept safe. With every “active shooter drill,” we are telling them they are not safe. We are telling them they cannot count on the grown-ups to ensure they will see their parents again, sleep in their own beds, laugh, grow, learn. Live. We destroy the trust we asked them, taught them, to have in us, the grownups who promised them safety in return for that trust.

So many say “we are better than this.” Apparently, we are not because we have been shown the truth and yet we remain impotent. It’s better to admit that this is where we are, who we are. See ourselves for who we are. It’s only after we admit to our failings can we turn them into successes. We owe it it to ourselves. We more than owe it to our children.