I’m good with words but there are times when I don’t know what to say. Or maybe how to say it. In those times, my words invariably come out wrong. But I just keep going. Shutting up would probably be the wise choice, but I always think I can bring it back around and make it better. I am always wrong.

I am sorry you have had the bear some of the brunt of my self anger the past 6-8 months. In that time, I haven’t been so angry at anyone as I have been at myself. And I let myself down. Although in all honesty, that probably came first.

You might recall when I told you I felt like I was sinking into a bad place. I will always remember that moment for two reasons; firstly because that was the first time I openly admitted to having mental health issues, and the second was calm with which you accepted my admission. I couldn’t have asked for a better response from anyone, much less from someone who wasn’t much more than an acquaintance at that point.

I won’t offer an excuse, but I will explain. I knew I wasn’t dealing well with the lockdowns from the pandemic. I shared that fact, but what I didn’t know was just how profoundly I was affected. It seems every time I sought to find a healthy more positive path, I would just find myself headed toward the darkness.

I was open about trying to hold on to the light, not just as a response the where the world was, but more as a way to keep moving forward, as a way to live a more satisfying life. But what I wasn’t open about was how I was falling at that task. Some days, the ground just seemed to shift and I would sink a little further. I knew I was faltering, but I didn’t know how to get myself back onto solid ground. I do now.

I am not the only one to have suffered through the darkness as we rode the waves of the pandemic, but I can only speak to my experience. There are no doubt, countless other stories like mine, just as it is doubtless that there are countless other stories that are nothing like mine.

Mental health issues are like any other health issue in that they have to be treated. They won’t just go away. I am sorry that you had to try and deal with my erratic behavior while you had to deal with the pandemic and its fallout in your own life. I am heartily sorry for the lack of consideration I showed you, the thoughtlessness with which I spoke to you. The over reactions to events far beyond anyone’s control.

There is no reverse, no do over. I am not asking for forgiveness. I am not certain I want it. There may be some danger in letting me off the hook. But I am asking to move forward from this point. It will happen regardless. Human nature cannot be modified. I want just a modicum of control over what my future holds.

I was on a different path before the world got turned on its side. I didn’t really have a destination, but I knew how I wanted to get there. Then I lost sight of it and turned in on myself. I thought that path was overgrown and I wouldn’t be able to find it once I was ready. Oddly, all I had to do was be ready. But really ready, not just wanting to be so.

It can’t be overstated, the value of the past year and a half as we devalued the lives we were living. And all I can wish for now is that the next 18 months be as bright as the past 18 have been dark.

In all sincerity, and hope for the future… signed, your friend.